pulse

Please select your assigned sex at birth: (dropdown: 2bind $sex, "Female", "Male") [[begin]]  (alert:"Warning: This game is about compulsory heterosexuality, as told through the experiences of a non-binary lesbian. It uses the gender binary as a reflection of societys' standards and expectations, not as fact. The topics of exploring gender identity, sexuality, and heteronormativity can be triggering.")  (set: $birthYearInput to (prompt: "Please enter your birth year for a personalized experience. If you choose not to, it will use the creators' birth year.", "1995"))  (set: $name to (prompt: "Please enter your name. If you choose not to, it will use the creators' name.", "Emmy"))   (set: $birthYearInput to (num:$birthYearInput))

{(if:$sex is "Female")[ (set: $color to "pink") (set: $bag to "purse") (set: $toy to "teddy bear") (set: $bagAction to "wear it") ](else:)[ (set: $color to "blue") (set: $bag to "backpack") (set: $toy to "racecar") (set: $bagAction to "put it on") ]} the year is $birthYearInput happy birthday! your one and only gift: a $color $toy and a $bag containing your parents’ expectations of who you’ll be. it’s too heavy [[$bagAction anyway->page 2]]

{(set: $chapterAge to 6)  (set: $chapterYear to ($chapterAge + $birthYearInput)) (if: $sex is "Female")[ (set: $oppositeGender to "boy") (set: $oppositePronoun to "him") ](else:)[ (set: $oppositeGender to "girl") (set: $oppositePronoun to "her") ]} you’re $chapterAge years old the year is $chapterYear you just graduated from shapes and naps to cursive and reading you take your yearbook and flip through its’ pages until you find a $oppositeGender that seems ‘good enough’ for your ‘crush’ do you actually like $oppositePronoun? [[yes->page 3.1]] [[no->page 3]]

of course you do. don't be silly. [[continue->page 4]]

{(set: $chapterAge to 11)  (set: $chapterYear to ($chapterAge + $birthYearInput))} you're $chapterAge years old the year is $chapterYear the glow of the family desktop fills the computer room and casts a blue hue on your face you go to google.com because you're curious about something that you can't get off of your mind... what are you searching for? (background: white)[ <div id="flex-container"> <img src="./img/google.png" width="50%"> (force-input-box: "X=", 1, "am i gay? quiz") <div id="button-container"> <button>[[search->page 4.1]]</button><button>[[i'm feeling lucky->page 4.1]]</button> </div> </div> ]

dude... why did you search for that? that was weird. like, really weird. .... but did you take the quiz? [[yes, i had to know..->page 4.2.1]] [[uhhh... no->page 4.2.2]]

so? what were the results? [[i got a yes->page 4.3.1]] [[i got a no->page 4.3.2.]]

so you took the quiz, but you cleared your search history after? i get it. your secret is safe with me. ... so what were your results? [[i didn't take the quiz!!->page 4.3.3]] [[it said yes...->page 4.3.4]]

uh. woah. okay so... never tell anyone that. just gonna repress that memory. [[moving on..->page 5]]

oh, thank God. mom would be so proud.. .. if she knew. but she won't. just gonna repress this memory. [[moving on..->page 5]]

denial isn't just a river in Africa, you know... but whatever you say! just gonna repress this memory. [[moving on..->page 5]]

uh. woah. okay so... never tell anyone that. just gonna repress that memory. [[moving on..->page 5]]

{(set: $chapterAge to 13)  (set: $chapterYear to ($chapterAge + $birthYearInput)) (if: $sex is "Female")[ (set: $pronoun to "she") (set: $adjective to "prettiest") (set: $desc to "girl") (set: $pronounPlural to "her")] (else:)[ (set: $pronoun to "he") (set: $adjective to "most handsome") (set: $desc to "boy") (set: $pronounPlural to "his")]} you're $chapterAge years old the year is $chapterYear you're still playing matchmaker with the yearbook and you hate your name, but you love the way it sounds when $pronoun says it $pronoun being your best friend who you spend all your time with and is the $adjective $desc you've ever seen what's $pronounPlural name? (input-box:2bind $bestie,"XXX======",1) [[continue->page 5.1]]

{(if: $sex is "Female")[ (set: $partner to "boyfriend") (set: $sameGender to "girls") (set: $oppositePronoun to "him")] (else:)[ (set: $partner to "girlfriend") (set: $sameGender to "boys") (set: $oppositePronoun to "her")]} $bestie got a $partner. are you jealous? [[of $bestie?! of course!! i want a $partner, too! all the $sameGender have one!->page 5.2]] [[... i think i might be jealous of $oppositePronoun..->page 5.3]]

{(if: $sex is "Female")[ (set: $oppositeGender to "boys")] (else:)[ (set: $oppositeGender to "girls")]} well, mom says you're probably too young for a $partner anyway. it's okay, your time will come! .. at least that's what everyone says! and i do mean ''everyone''. [[i guess it will.. i don't really think about $oppositeGender in that way anyway ..at least not when i'm alone..->page 6.1]]

..go on. (force-input-box:"=XXXXXX=",2,"well, you know.. they get to be together now.. so what does that mean for me?? for us?!") [[continue-> page 6.2]]

{(if:$sex is "Female")[ (set: $gender to "girl") (set: $oppositePronoun to "he")] (else:)[ (set: $gender to "boy") (set: $oppositePronoun to "she")]} you and every other $gender at school! [[continue->page 4]]

... okay then, someone's thinking out loud again. that's something for 20 year old $name to think about. for now, let's focus on getting to high school. [[right. high school, right around the corner..->page 7]]

{(set: $chapterAge to 16)  (set: $chapterYear to ($chapterAge + $birthYearInput)) (if: $sex is "Female")[ (set: $adjective to "beautiful") (set: $gender to "young lady") (set: $oppositeGender to "boy") (set: $sameGender to "women") (set: $samePronoun1 to "her") (set: $samePronoun to "she") (set: $oppositePronoun1 to "he")] (else:)[ (set: $adjective to "handsome") (set: $gender to "young man") (set: $oppositeGender to "girl") (set: $sameGender to "men") (set: $samePronoun1 to "him") (set: $samePronoun to "he") (set: $oppositePronoun1 to "she")]} you're $chapterAge years old the year is $chapterYear new school, new best friend and $samePronoun is the most $adjective $gender you’ve ever seen but you don’t tell $samePronoun1 because ''you’re not gay'' you just write //really// gay poetry and daydream about what could’ve been in a world where you could date $sameGender without stares from family and friends $samePronoun encourages you to go on a date with $oppositePronoun the annoying $oppositeGender from math class $oppositePronoun1 wants to kiss you at the park underneath your favorite tree this moment //should be// picture perfect like something out of a movie //“do you want to?” //you don’t. do you? [[i do!->page 8.1]] [[i mean... not really?->page 8.1.2]]

there is no "us", remember? $bestie is your best friend. besides, that's something for 20 year old $name to think about. for now, let's focus on getting to high school. [[right. high school, right around the corner..->page 7]]

{(if: $sex is "Female")[ (set: $pluralGender to "girls") (set: $oppositePronoun to "he") (set: $oppositePronoun2 to "him")] (else:)[ (set: $pluralGender to "boys") (set: $oppositePronoun to "she") (set: $oppositePronoun2 to "her")]} you don't want to, but you do it anyway. because that's what straight $pluralGender do, right? [[...right. and i guess, $oppositePronoun's cute enough and my mom likes $oppositePronoun2, so... that should be enough? right? ->page 8.3]]

{(if: $sex is "Female")[ (set: $oppositePronoun to "he") (set: $action to "push him")] (else:)[ (set: $oppositePronoun to "she") (set: $action to "back")]} $oppositePronoun leans in to kiss you, and you $action away. on second thought... maybe you don't actually want this? [[maybe...but.. i thought i did?->page 8.2.1]]

{(if: $sex is "Female")[ (set: $oppositePronoun to "he") (set: $action to "push him") (set: $oppositePronoun2 to "him")] (else:)[ (set: $oppositePronoun to "she") (set: $action to "back") (set: $oppositePronoun2 to "her")]} right. except.. it isn't enough. $oppositePronoun leans in to kiss you, and you $action away. on second thought... maybe you don't actually want this? yeah you... definitely don't want this, at all. but you don't know how to say that. so you avoid $oppositePronoun2 in the hallways, and pray you won't see $oppositePronoun2 again after graduation day. [[continue->page 8.4]]

{(if: $sex is "Female")[ (set: $oppositeGender to "guy") (set: $oppositePronoun to "he") (set: $oppositePronoun2 to "him")] (else:)[ (set: $oppositeGender to "girl") (set: $oppositePronoun to "she") (set: $oppositePronoun2 to "her")]} well, you chickened out. and now $oppositePronoun's //really// annoyed. because you've done this with $oppositePronoun2 before, three times, actually. what gives? [[i.. i don't know. maybe i just don't like $oppositePronoun2 enough. but that's okay, right? right. $oppositePronoun just wasn't the right $oppositeGender for me.->page 8.4]]

{(set: $chapterAge to 20)  (set: $chapterYear to ($chapterAge + $birthYearInput)) (if: $sex is "Female")[ (set: $oppositeGender to "man") (set: $oppositePronoun to "he") (set: $oppositePronoun2 to "him")] (else:)[ (set: $oppositeGender to "woman") (set: $oppositePronoun to "she") (set: $oppositePronoun2 to "her")]} you're $chapterAge years old the year is $chapterYear your time came! you've been in a long-term relationship for more than 2 years. with a $oppositeGender who seems more like a best friend than a lover. but.. you remember what it was like to have a best friend that you cared so deeply, passionately, endlessly for, ~~someone you felt so madly in love with,~~ that you would do anything for them. and yet.. this feels nothing like that. it feels like the opposite, actually. you searched for butterflies when you were around $oppositePronoun2, but all you found was moths. when you finally dumped $oppositePronoun2, $oppositePronoun said $oppositePronoun'd never be enough for you anyway what does that even mean? and where do you go from here? [[..google?->the google search]] [[try again->try again]]

{(if:$sex is "Female")[(set: $googleSearch to (force-input-box: "X=", 1, "how do i know if i'm a lesbian?"))] (else:)[(set: $googleSearch to (force-input-box: "X=", 1, "how do i know if i'm gay?"))]} your trusty old friend, huh? looks like they've had an upgrade since the last time we were here. so.. what are you searching for this time? <div id="flex-container"> <img src="./img/google-modern.png" width="50%"> $googleSearch <div id="button-container"> <button>[[search->the lesbian master doc]]</button><button>[[i'm feeling lucky->the lesbian master doc]]</button> </div> </div>

{(if: $sex is "Female")[ (set: $oppositePronoun2 to "him")] (else:)[ (set: $oppositePronoun2 to "her")]} are you sure? [[yes, i want to try again->intro]] [[i guess i'll stay with $oppositePronoun2..->game over]]

''GAME OVER.'' CONGRATULATIONS ON IGNORING YOUR INNER VOICE IN ORDER TO CONFORM TO SOCIETY! &hearts;&hearts;&hearts;&hearts;&hearts; [[wait!! i want to listen to my inner voice..->intro]]

{(if:$sex is "Female")[(set: $extraLine to "")] (else:)[(set: $extraLine to "not necessarily what you were expecting, but...<br>you're intrigued, so you continue.<br>")]} you found... (link: "the lesbian masterdoc")[(open-url: 'https://docdroid.net/N46Ea3o/copy-of-am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc-pdf')]. $extraLine the first line stands out to you right away.. ''What is Compulsory Heterosexuality?'' well... what is it? [[find out->comp het definition]]

//''Compulsory heterosexuality is the voice in my head that says I must really be het even when I’m in love with a woman. Compulsory heterosexuality is what forces lesbians to struggle through learning the difference between what you’ve been taught you want (being with men) and what you do want (being with women), which is why so many lesbians have dated men at some point. So… what happens if you want to be with women? What happens if you’re not attracted to men at all? When you’re trained from childhood to see romantic/sexual relationships with men - and only men - as major life goals, how do you separate that from what you want?''// {(if:$sex is "Female")[[[continue->comp het continued]]] (else:)[[[well.. i'm definitely not a lesbian, but...<br> what happens if i'm only attracted to men?->google search for "compulsory heterosexuality in men"]]]}

basically.. it's the moths. you look down at your stomach, and you feel relief. you can finally put a name to the feeling that made you feel like a monster devouring everything in its' path only to end up insatiable and maybe, just maybe this whole time, you weren't the problem society was .. so what now? (force-input-box:2bind $happyEnding,"XX=","figure out how to unlearn these behaviors so that i can finally be... happy?") [[continue->happy ending]]

//''$happyEnding''// that sounds amazing!! i'm so proud of you, $name. good luck finding your happy ending, babe. fin &hearts;

you found... (link: "‘‘I was terrified of being different’’: exploring gay men’s accounts of growing-up in a heterosexist society")[(open-url: 'https://pdf.sciencedirectassets.com/272496/1-s2.0-S0140197100X00024/1-s2.0-S0140197100903622/main.pdf?X-Amz-Security-Token=IQoJb3JpZ2luX2VjEDoaCXVzLWVhc3QtMSJHMEUCIBfGov8WhnAYGqLaZVXub3r%2BZY66uPfAMMpchaiCneN4AiEAlRol4Co7yApDvSqoVosGDQlDlZNQXdaLMUzK17QypVoqtAMIIxADGgwwNTkwMDM1NDY4NjUiDDcZtBwlfL5Ck%2BSumyqRA90d1yX%2FSlPh7B7m1j4rijo%2FSokSv35hpHdyo0bMUEw5aRL%2Fh38gmpifHnw%2FXH8LSmVzFRru%2Bqy%2BJwL9Atf09sfLTvpPPeoBTaiPDKEB2dJ6Tmb6BkKUd%2FgnCvbyCTMq7xHVxcKSxW1sJCjP0LpGIhyg2BxEktHe2l6n%2BPQN4Yi88Kfg66YoSLDACn0w2hiLwZl1uVQtpzG%2BEljzAuyLFiVl8wvNQdx1ZoQ4ZfoT%2BW3z6QPo%2B0ogh7TztfV%2BpeWnFhVYjcRf7FGJW%2Bzeqs289pPjAITiel8Atowqo8z%2FbiTAr1ThgwQxbSqkUiLwsmn3JaOpYebuPHWTLDNjxZfQmH3y6z5U5X8lP56s42IA%2FggHbYVTAn4nCjrzrOyMorLOjRJcUEWLEWe6x1sJZmzsoq8ld5M296Vr%2FrzlbrYI4jembvgu54KSXkJpSmY2mmNL0vsbUru1pbHxO7hGilIXQfDmEiBW2BWkap%2BweF0ZSYAeWRelDNvXkNJniEdAtHMD2psWTJCSZ1KcsGOu8ak6IXPAMMbjvYAGOusBRilHLHHbwM9Hx7C1AX9D5ismjDyLg8RgUvgnRnOylMbwwj1AGmri6ree2NW8j0f19G4pkDYP79%2BQp6RoQNsIi8gUTIAir9Ek2dGmkQsQpNamTVr7hgHl%2FKpcYpevayvQCJDCoLQqMsp%2B1RyLBjsD2AHpkT71ybiWtdM4kYq3%2BBrQBT9vrsH4L%2BZb%2FW2SnhinXzpkBNg3OpbwLPwRKPBfDMz2vUlJAuh0IlSDWkJBypBDLb8dyHx5ZRi%2FQEp8JV%2F%2BiejmD%2FJqtH3ogzP%2F3EbhmdLEdLHmoOYelfJXKdrpZHpjP2evbij5X4eo2Q%3D%3D&X-Amz-Algorithm=AWS4-HMAC-SHA256&X-Amz-Date=20210126T024047Z&X-Amz-SignedHeaders=host&X-Amz-Expires=300&X-Amz-Credential=ASIAQ3PHCVTYV35BLM4B%2F20210126%2Fus-east-1%2Fs3%2Faws4_request&X-Amz-Signature=ba2388c144d391c5100fdf55c7bdc4e1ba4ef029314ab439120460ce83b0feec&hash=10f6d2e4d21186206b37a8f443b6169dc0be3ea5c972a7da829e3c45ea51bfed&host=68042c943591013ac2b2430a89b270f6af2c76d8dfd086a07176afe7c76c2c61&pii=S0140197100903622&tid=spdf-cb83db7c-b80d-4b2e-bba5-8a8f33979dd5&sid=780278a92ebad14fa13aa497ebce078ea9a6gxrqa&type=client')]. basically.. it's the moths. you look down at your stomach, and you feel relief. you can finally put a name to the feeling that made you feel like a monster devouring everything in its' path only to end up insatiable and maybe, just maybe this whole time, you weren't the problem society was .. so what now? (force-input-box:2bind $happyEnding,"XX=","figure out how to unlearn these behaviors so that i can finally be... happy?") [[continue->happy ending]]

<div id="intro-text"> pulse<div id="blink">|</div> </div> <span id="secondary-intro-text">a narrative game on compulsory heterosexuality.</span> [[begin->start]]